


The Pain Reminds Me That I'm Alive, I'm Happiest When I'm Struggling

by LoveLetterPolaroids



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rape, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:41:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3310886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveLetterPolaroids/pseuds/LoveLetterPolaroids
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The BAU gets a new agent, one who has other intentions besides profiling serial killers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Aaron looked up when there was a knock on his office door

"Come in" he called, sitting up an looking away from the file in front of him

Erin walked in with a tall boy standing behind her, who closed the door behind them

"This is Agent Matthew Shaffer, the agent I told you about" Erin told Aaron, stepping aside and watching them shake hands

Aaron smiled and nodded as he shook the man's hand "it's good to meet you, I've already informed my team that you will be joining us" he said

Matthew smiled "thank you for this opportunity sir" he said

Erin smiled "well, you're in safe hands now, if there's anything else you need I'll be in my office" she said before leaving them

Aaron walked around his desk "I'll show you where your desk is and introduce you to the team before we get started on a new case" he said 

Matthew smiled "alright" he said, following Aaron out of the office and down to where everyone else was working 

Aaron cleared his throat to get everyone's attention before motioning to Matthew "everyone, this is Agent Matthew Shaffer, the new agent joining our team. Agent, this is Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, and Dr. Spencer Reid" 

Matthew smiled and shook all of their hands after putting down the box of his things on the empty desk next to Spencer's 

Aaron waved a folder in the air "and we have a new case, so we'll meet in the conference room in ten" he said before walking away

Everyone nodded and started to put away the things they were working on, while Matthew just started setting up his new desk, making sure everything was organized.

Ten minutes later everyone walked to the conference room and sat down 

Aaron stood up and looked at Matthew before looking at Penelope and JJ "agent Matthew Shaffer, this is our technical analyst Penelope Garcia and our communications liaison Jennifer Jareau or JJ, and Agent David Rossi" he said before taking his seat

Matthew shook all their hands before sitting down and picking up the tablet in front of him

"So, three bodies have been found over the past four days in Arizona, one boy and two girls, all naked, with their mouths sewn shut, and stabbed multiple times, but there's no sign of sexual abuse" JJ said as Penelope pulled up the pictures for everyone to see "if the killer keeps killing at this speed he would have already killed one more person and will be taking someone else tonight" she continued

Aaron nodded "and where are the bodies being found?" He asked

Penelope spoke up "they were all found by dumpsters" 

Aaron nodded and stood up "everyone get your go bags, wheels up in thirty" he said before leaving, knowing it was important to get there quickly.

Everyone nodded and stood up before walking out of the room

Spencer looked up when it was only him and Matthew in the room and gave him a shy smile before scurrying off as well, he had trouble with new people sometimes, but he didn't want Matthew thinking that he wasn't going to be liked there.

\----------

Forty minutes later everyone was on the plane and it was up in the air. Everyone was either chatting or listening to music, except for Spemcer who was reading a book quickly.

Matthew walked over and sat down across from him, watching and furrowing his eyes slightly as Soencer turned the pages every few seconds "there's no way you're reading that fast" 

Spencer looked up and smiled "I can read 20,000 words per minute" he told Matthew

Matthew chuckled and raised his eyebrow "really? They told me you were a genius.. But they left that out"

Spencer set his book aside and sat up straighter "did you choose to work with the BAU?" He asked curiously 

Matthew nodded "yes, they gave me a few options of departments I could work in and this sounded interesting" 

Spencer smiled, still a little shy about talking with him, which was helped by Aaron calling them to the middle of the plane to talk, making Spencer sigh a little in relief.

\---------

When the plane landed everyone headed to where they were supposed to go, and because the universe liked making Spencer's life hard he was working with Matthew and going to see the last known body dump site.

Spencer got out of the SUV when they got there and walked out into the alley beside Matthew 

Matthew followed Spencer, staying a little bit behind him so he could glance at the man's bum every now and then

Spencer looked around "so the body was dumped here" he murmured, pointing to in front of the dumpster "which means he didn't try to hide her at all, he could have put her inside the dumpster, or at least on the side where she wouldn't be able to be seen from the street, why would he just leave her in the open?"

Matthew looked around "maybe he wanted her to be found, how high risk were the victims? Maybe he thinks he's cleaning the streets" 

Spencer shook his head "no, they were all college students, with regular jobs as far as we can tell"

"Do they have any connection to each other?" Matthew asked

"Besides going to the same school we can't find anything right now, but Garcia is still looking into it" Spencer murmured, walking around the dumpster "I think there's something scratched onto the back" he murmured, getting Matthew to help him push it away from the side of the building 

"Keeping secrets gets you killed" Matthew read out loud "do you think the unsub did that?"

Spencer took a picture "there's no reason to rule it out." He said "we should head to the police station now, to see if anyone else found the same thing"

Matthew nodded and led Spencer back to the SUV, relaxing in his seat as they sped off towards the Police station.

\---------

After getting there and discussing what they found with the team, they figured out that the unsub had left the message at every crime scene and hadn't tried to hide any of the bodies

"So, this unsub is killing people because they kept a secret?" Emily asked

Derek spoke up next "that would explain why he's sewing their mouths shut, it's symbolic" he said

Just then, the sheriff walked in quickly "we've found another body" he said before leading out the team to their SUVs outside

At the crime scene everyone spread out a little, trying to find any evidence

"they dumped a body in broad daylight, that's brave" Derek said, finding the same message scratched onto the dumpster and taking a picture 

Aaron nodded, squatting down next to the tarp that was laying over the body and lifting it up "it's a boy this time"

Emily walked over "crossing gender lines usually means a female unsub right?"

Aaron nodded "usually, but this time I'm not so sure, a female unsub would've treated the girls with a little more respect, but the boys and the girls are treated the exact same way" he said

"I think we're ready to give the profile then" David said 

Aaron agreed and got everyone back to the police station, getting all the police men into one room before they started giving the profile 

"We believe our unsub is a white male, who goes to the same college as all of our victims, he's shy, so he wouldn't have tried to help with the investigation in any way" David started

"Now, that being said, you would remember him if you had talked to him, he was shy, but he also would have seemed like he didn't care, or like he was happy even that these people are dead" Emily added

"This boy doesn't live on campus, that wouldn't give him enough privacy to kidnap these people and to kill them" Matthew told them

Spencer moved to show everyone a map "we believe he lives in this area" he said, pointing out a circle on the map "also, the best course of action would not be to announce to the kids at college that they could be in danger, there's enough panic there already" 

Aaron nodded "that's all" he said as a police officer rushed over 

"a girl has just been reported missing from the college" he told them

Aaron turned to face his team "alright, Morgan and Prentiss, you go check out the campus where she was taken, Rossi and I will interview her friends, and Reid and Shaffer, you stay here and try to get all the information on this girl as you can" 

Everyone nodded and headed in different directions

Spencer grabbed his phone and called Penelope, already writing things down on the white board

"What can I do for you my love?" Penelope asked 

Spencer smiled "I need everything you have on the girl that just went missing" he told her, writing down everything she started telling him 

"Is there anything in her files that could help us figure out the secret she has?" Spencer asked, leaning back against the table 

Penelope hummed and started searching "oh, well here's something. A few weeks ago she was taken to the hospital, the doctor reports say it looked like she had been raped but she never reported anything" she told Spencer

Spencer thanked her before hanging up and calling Aaron, telling him everything he knew before calling Penelope "Garcia, has anyone else on campus gone to the hospital for something that looks like rape? Ones who didn't file any reports either? Rule out any victims we already found dead" He instructed her

Penelope checked before speaking again "three, two girls, one boy" she told him

"What's the boys name and address?" Spencer asked, writing it down before rushing to the SUV with Matthew, letting him call the rest of the team to meet them at the boys house

\---------

Once they got there they all put on the bulletproof vests before sneaking around the boys house, guns drawn and ready to shoot if nessecary. Derek kicked open the door and went inside first "clear!" He shouted as everyone came into the house.

Aaron was first into the basement with everyone following close behind, seeing the boy with a girl held in front of him with a knife on her neck, she was naked and tied, with her mouth sewn shut, but she was alive. 

"Let her go" Aaron said, pointing his gun at the boy

The boy shook his head "no, no, she deserved this" he growled 

"Why?" David asked

The boy looked up "because she knew that Mr. M is a rapist, and she never told anyone!" He shouted "and because she never told anyone, he kept raping people" he growled

"This isn't the way to handle it, she was just scared" Aaron said "we will make sure that this man goes to jail, but you have to let her go" 

The boy paused "d-do you promise he'll go to jail if I let her go?" He asked

Aaron knew they would arrest the man whether the boy let the girl go or not, but he nodded anyway "yes, we promise" 

The boy let go of the girl and dropped the knife, letting someone take her away and not struggling when someone put handcuffs on him 

\---------

Later, once everyone was on the plane Spencer and Matthew hung out more, finding out that they actually had a lot in common, and Spencer started feeling more comfortable around him. They talked about doctor who, Star Wars, books, everything, and when the plane landed they walked to their desks together, still deep in conversation.

"They seem to be getting along pretty well" David said to Aaron, watching Matthew and Spencer

Aaron smiled "good, I don't want Shaffer feeling left out" he said, before going to his office

"There's a Doctor Who marathon on tonight, do you want to come over and watch it with me?" Spencer asked as he packed up his messenger bag

Matthew smiled "I would love to" he said "I'll just drop off at home first to get more comfortable clothes on"

Spencer nodded and gave Matthew a sticky note that had his address on it before he left, driving home feeling very excited about finally having someone to watch sci-fi movies with

The second Spencer got home he started cleaning, he wasn't all that messy, but there was still coffee cups all over and clothes on his bedroom floor. Spencer cleaned everything before he changed into an old t-shirt and sweatpants, trying to relax before Matthew got there.

Matthew showed up around half an hour later and rang the doorbell, a little shocked when not after even a second of his finger pressing the doorbell the door swung open to reveal a smiling Spencer 

"Hi!" The young genius said happily, letting Matthew inside and licking the door again behind him

Matthew chuckled "hello" he said, touching the boys hip lightly

Spencer blushed slightly but he pulled away from the boys hand "I hope you don't mind, but I only have a tv in my bedroom, I don't have a need for one anywhere else. But my bed is big enough for us to both sit on" 

Matthew nodded "that's fine" he said, following Spencer to his room and sitting down on the boys bed, looking around at all the books stacked around the room while Spencer turned the tv to the right channel

"So, tell me a little bit more about the team" Matthew said

Spencer smiled "well, Derek probably won't warm up to you for a little while, but it's not because of you, he's just nervous to let other people into our family. Emily is great, she's really nice and fun once she knows you a little. JJ is amazing, she's like my best friend. David is... Strange" he chuckled "he'll always be fair though. And Aaron.. Is fine" he murmured with pink cheeks

"Fine?" Matthew asked with a small smile

Spencer shrugged slightly "y-yeah I mean... He's a great boss, he does his job well"

Matthew raised an eyebrow "Spencer, do you like him?" He asked with a smirk

Spencer blushed harder "I uh... Uhm... I found the right channel" he said quickly, putting on the channel before leaning back and watching as the first episode started

Matthew grinned and looked at the tv, not saying anything else

Spencer on the other hand couldn't keep himself from speaking again "you won't tell anyone right?" He whispered "it's just a stupid little crush I don't want it to uh... I don't want it to make things awkward" 

Matthew smiled and chuckled softly "I'll keep it a secret" he promised, rubbing Spencer's back gently

Spencer blushed slightly and nodded "thank you" he whispered, starting to watch the tv show again

When the marathon was over it was late so Spencer offered to let Matthew stay over for the night, and he was actually happy when Matthew accepted the offer. 

Spencer set up his guest room and gave Matthew some clothes he could use as pajamas before leaving, crawling into his own bed and closing his eyes. 

To his surprise, he fell asleep pretty quickly, and slept though the whole night as well, waking up when his alarm went off and going to the guest room, planning on waking up Matthew and furrowing his eyes when he found nobody there. Soon though, Spencer found the note that Matthew had left, explaining how he had gone home and would see him at work.

Spencer didn't think anything of it and left the room, needing to get ready for work. Spencer got in the shower and washed his hair and body before he got out, going back to his bedroom with a towel around his waist. Spencer dried off before dropping the towel, starting to open his dresser drawer but immediately tensing up when he felt a large hand cover his naked hip and a cold knife press against his throat 

"Stay quiet, and do as I say, got it?" Spencer heard Matthew whisper in his ear 

"G-got it" Spencer whispered, starting to shake slightly, praying that this was all some big joke and Matthew would start laughing in a few seconds, but it became clear that that wasn't the case as he was pushed towards the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

#### This chapter contains multiple graphic scenes about rape, self harm, and drug use. Please don't read it if you will be triggered <3 

Spencer shook harder as he quickly turned around on his bed so he could look up at Matthew

"wh-what are you doing?" Spencer whispered

Matthew smirked, still holding a knife out facing Reid "what was it that you told me the other day? An IQ of 187 right? I'm sure you can figure out what's going on"

Spencer wiped his eyes "y-you don't have to do this" he whimpered, afraid and trying to cover up his cock with his hands

Matthew chuckled "I know I don't, but that doesn't change how much I want to. Y'know, I was expecting this to take longer, I thought that I would have to gain your trust, but as it turns out, you trust everyone after less than a day. You let me come into your house, and be here while you slept" he hummed, reaching down with one hand to pop open the button on his pants

Spencer flinched slightly as he watched "I-I won't tell anybody about this if you just leave now"

"You won't tell anyone anything whether I leave or not. Because do you want to know what will happen if you do?" Matthew asked, running his fingers through Spencer's hair

Spencer nodded slowly, because he wanted to weigh his options

"Well, first, I'd make sure that Hotch found out about your little crush. Then, I think I'd pay a little visit to your mom—" Matthew stopped when Spencer cut him off

"Okay I'll do it! I'll do whatever you want" the smaller boy said with a small sob

Matthew smirked "good boy" he whispered "now stand up again, and come undress me"

Spencer sniffled and quickly stood up, walking up to Matthew and starting to undress him, starting with his shirt and ending with his boxers, tossing them to the side and stepping back, covering his cock up again

"You're such a pretty boy Spencer, I knew I had to have you the second I saw you" Matthew whispered, trailing the knife over Spencer's arm lightly, not hard enough to cut him, but he saw Spencer jump slightly "get on your knees for me"

Spencer whimpered and shook his head slightly "n-no" he whispered, even though he knew it would be best to cooperate

Matthew raised an eyebrow "no? C'mon Spence, I can make this a whole lot harder for you"

Spencer nodded and slowly dropped down onto his knees, trying to look anywhere except at the hard cock in front of him

Matthew sighed and grabbed Spencer's hair, roughly shoving his cock into Spencer's mouth and smirking as the boy choked "suck on it, pretty boy, this is the only lubrication that you're getting" he hummed, using nicknames that people from work used for Spencer in hopes that Spencer would start associating them with this and would think about it whenever someone used one of the nicknames

Spencer cried softly but sucked on it as much as he could even though he didn't want to, knowing it would only hurt worse later if he didn't

Matthew stayed like that for a while, only letting Spencer breathe when his face would turn red.

By the time Spencer felt Matthew pull him off of his cock for the last time, he was lightheaded and seeing spots, actually praying to pass out so that he wouldn't have to be awake for what would happen

Matthew pulled Spencer onto his feet before he could though and tapped his cheek a few times "stay awake for me baby, I don't want you to miss the good part" he smirked, shoving Spencer down onto the bed and making him spread his legs "look up at my face, watch me" he instructed

Spencer shook his head, but he forced open his eyes when he felt the knife press against his throat

"Good boy" Matthew murmured before thrusting into Spencer hard, not waiting over a second before starting to pound into him, moaning loudly

Spencer turned his head and screamed into a pillow from the pain, sobbing harder and trying to squirm away "stop! Please!" He cried

Matthew growled an held Spencer down, which wasn't hard to do at all considering their difference in weight and body type. Matthew had probably almost a hundred pounds on Spencer, and he was much more muscular

Matthew kept going until he grunted and came inside of Spencer, smirking as he did

Spencer whimpered, feeling like he was going to be sick and gagging quietly

Matthew took a minute to catch his breathe before pulling out of Spencer and getting up, starting to pull on his clothes "did you like that Spencer?" He asked

Spencer whimpered and shook his head

Matthew smiled "good, you weren't supposed to" he hummed "I'll see you at work okay? And you will be there, I'll come back if you call in sick, understand?"

Spencer nodded and sobbed when Matthew leaned over and kissed him, wanting to push him away but just staying still

Matthew pulled away after a minute and left the house, a smug smirk on his face as he got into his car

Spencer got up once he was gone and threw up into the trash can beside his bed, still sobbing. Spencer got up after a few minutes and walked to the bathroom, starting the shower again and scrubbing himself until his skin was almost bleeding, washing his hole as well as he could before he got out of the shower. Spencer kept thinking about the small amount of dilaudid he had hidden in his room, he had sworn never to take any ever again, but it was comforting to have it there. He knew he couldn't take any, not right before work, but he still wanted it.

Spencer walked to his dresser next, trying to dress like he usually would, but everything felt to tight, like it was showing everybody his body and touching him everywhere. Spencer ended up dressing in clothes that were dark and a little baggy on him, wishing that he didn't have to go into work that day but he didn't want to chance having Matthew come back.

Spencer grabbed his glasses instead of his contact lenses before leaving, driving to work and getting there without a minute to spare

"Why so late pretty boy? Usually you're here before everyone" Derek said, using the nickname as he normally would

Spencer tensed up a little when he heard the nickname and looked up "I-I uh... I had car trouble" he lied before sitting down, holding his breath so he wouldn't sob loudly in pain

Emily and Derek shared a look, noticing how Spencer was dressed and how he was acting but deciding not to comment on it for now

Aaron came out of his office and walked over to their desks, handing out paper work to them all "it doesn't look like we'll have another case today" he told them "so I need all your paperwork about yesterday's case done by noon" he said, rubbing his hand over Spencer's shoulder gently before going back to his office

Spencer started working right away, trying to focus on the work instead of how Matthew was almost right beside him

Matthew leaned over closer to Spencer "hey Spencer, can you show me how to do this properly?" He asked, showing Spencer a form that he had to fill out

Spencer swallowed thickly, knowing he had to or Emily and Derek would suspect something

Spencer quietly showed Matthew how to fill out the form, he was sure that everyone saw how his hand was shaking, but he didn't care, everyone would assume he had taken dilaudid again before they started assuming he had been raped.

Spencer went back to doing his own work soon but got up after a while, walking over to where the coffee pot was and pouring himself a cup, adding massive spoonfuls of sugar but only a little cream before he looked up and saw that Derek was standing in front of him

"Pretty boy, are you okay man?" Derek asked, worried about his friend

Spencer tensed up a little again and nodded "I'm fine" he said before walking away quickly, sitting at his desk with his coffee and not giving Derek a chance to talk to him more.

\----------

By the end of the day, everyone could tell that something was wrong with Spencer, the boy was tense, and shaking and he couldn't look anyone in the eye, but he kept ignoring everyone who asked what was wrong.

He had even yelled at Derek and JJ because they kept using his nicknames, asking them how hard it was to just say Spencer or Reid before he had marched away angrily.

Now everyone was going home though, and Spencer was the first out the door, rushing to his car and speeding away before anyone could stop him

Spencer got home in record time and started locking all his doors as soon as he was inside, checking them both three times before setting his alarm and locking all his windows.

Spencer changed into even baggier clothes before going to the living room and curling up on the couch, he couldn't go into his bedroom, everytime he looked at the bed he just thought about how he had been violated there.

Without thinking about what he was doing too much Spencer got up and walked to the bathroom, wanting so badly to inject himself with dilaudid but he couldn't, not when everyone would notice the signs especially fast now. Spencer looked around for a while, trying to figure out how he could make himself forget and eventually finding his razor. Spencer slowly picked it up and held it in his hands for a good two minutes before making his decision and closing the bathroom door, sitting on the edge of the bathtub before taking out the two little metal clasps that were holding in the razor blades. Spencer picked one up to examine it, setting the rest down on the counter by the sink.

Spencer pulled up his sleeve before setting the shiny blade down on it, taking a deep breathe before starting to slide the blade across his skin, whimpering slightly as he did.

Spencer watched as a cut opened up on his arm, watching the blood drip out from his arm and feeling a faint smile on his lips.

Spencer kept cutting at his arm, feeling relaxed as he watched the blood seep from his wounds. Eventually Spencer decided to stop and he cleaned himself up, wrapping his arm with a bandage before walking out to the couch again and laying down, falling asleep easily now that he was so relaxed.

\----------

When Spencer's alarm went off the following day he got up feeling a little better, especially once he took a few minutes in the shower to carve a few cuts into his thigh, watching blood slowly trickle down his leg and mix into the water that was going down the drain, not minding how the water made the cuts sting.

Spencer wondered what would happen if the team found out he was cutting himself, they hadn't reported him when he used drugs, would they report him for this? He hoped not, he hated having to go visit psychologists.

Spencer bandaged himself again before getting dressed, slipping a razor blade into his bag before he could forget as well. Spencer finished getting ready before driving to work, keeping his eyes on the floor as he walked in and went to his desk, starting to work on his paper work immediately and hoping that nobody would try to talk to him.

A few hours later he looked up to see Emily holding out a cup of coffee towards him

"I saw that you didn't have your coffee this morning" she said, setting it on Spencer's desk "I made it how you always do, a little cream and too much sugar" she smiled

Spencer took a sip slowly after considering it, still not looking Emily in the eye "thanks" he murmured with a small smile

Emily bit her lip "are you okay Spencer?" She whispered

Spencer nodded "yeah Em, I'm fine" he lied, hoping she would walk away

Emily nodded and slowly went back to her desk, not believing Spencer one bit but she decided to wait a while before talking about it

Spencer drank the coffee quickly, fidgeting because he could practically feel Matthew's eyes on him and he felt scared again so he got up and walked to the bathroom quickly, making sure nobody was in there before leaning against the sink, trying to breathe deeply and calm down. His head snapped up when he heard the door open though, and he couldn't stop the whimper that left his mouth when he saw Matthew smirking and locking the door.

Matthew walked closer to Spencer and put his hands on his hips "get on your knees and I'll make this quick baby" he whispered

Spencer sniffled and shook his head "no, no I don't want to" he whispered "please leave me alone"

Matthew smiled "why don't you understand Spencer? You're mine now"

Spencer sniffled "no I'm not" he whispered

Matthew stopped smiling and grabbed Spencer's hair hard, forcing him down onto his knees "stay still" he muttered as he pulled his cock out of his pants and forced it into Spencer's mouth, starting to thrust in and out quickly

Spencer squeezed his eyes shut, crying softly but not trying to fight it.

Matthew finished soon and kept his cock in Spencer's mouth until he was sure the shaking man had swallowed everything

Matthew tucked himself away and smirked as he watched Spencer curl up on he ground "don't stay in here too long sweetheart, there's work to be done" he said before leaving

Spencer quickly moved into one of the stalls and pushed his fingers down his throat, forcing himself to throw up a few times before washing out his mouth.

Spencer couldn't take it anymore and ran out of the bathroom, leaving the building completely and driving home as fast as he could, only stopping to pack clothes, his dilaudid, and everything else he might need before he drove to a hotel, signing in and getting a room for a few nights before going up to the hotel room and shutting the door, locking all three locks that were on the door before he curled up on the bed, filling up a needle with dilaudid slowly and pulling up his sleeve.

Spencer waited a minute, trying to convince himself that this was a bad idea but eventually the pain became too much and he injected the drug into himself, feeling it burn through his veins. He closed his eyes, feeling the effects immediately and letting himself relax, letting go for a little while and forgetting about everything, finally feeling calm and like he wasn't constantly being watched or hurt.

Spencer knew he would have to face everyone the next day and explain his actions, but for now, he just let himself be still on the bed and smile.  



	3. Chapter 3

Everyone was shocked when Spencer ran out of the building, watching for a minute before Derek jumped up and tried to run after him, but by the time he caught up Spencer was already speeding away in his car

Derek went back upstairs and looked at Matthew, assuming he had said something to Spencer in the bathroom "what did you do?" He asked

Matthew put his hands up a little "I didn't do anything, I didn't even say anything to him" he lied "he was in one of the stalls while I was in there"

Derek crossed his arms, not sure if he believed Matthew but deciding that it didn't matter much. Derek left and walked up to Aaron's office, knocking before stepping inside

"Spencer just ran out of the building" he sighed 

Aaron looked up and furrowed his eyebrows "he what?" He asked

Derek shrugged "he went to the bathroom, stayed in there for a long time, and then he just ran out Hotch. I know you've noticed how he's been acting, do you think he's using again?"

Aaron sighed and set down his pen, standing up from his chair "I'm not sure, I was going to talk to him later" he said

"I'll try calling him" he decided, walking over to his bag to get out his phone, but the second he dialed the number it sent him to voice mail 

"He has his phone turned off" Aaron told Derek, putting his phone away again and leaning against his desk 

"What are we gonna do Hotch?" Derek asked, worried about his friend

Aaron bit his lip "go to his house" he said, normally he would just say to go to his house after work, but the fact that Spencer had run out was worrying him.

"Now?" Derek asked

Aaron nodded and opened up his bag, handing Derek a key "yeah, take this in case he won't answer the door"

Derek nodded and tucked the key into his pocket before leaving, grabbing his jacket and going down to his car. 

Derek drove to Spencer's house quickly and walked up to the door, ringing the doorbell a few times and knocking before waiting. After a couple minutes past he tried ringing the doorbell again and yelling that it was him. When Spencer still didn't answer he slid the key into the lock and opened the door, walking inside 

"Spencer? Where are you man?" Derek called out, he hadn't seen Spencer's car but he had just assumed that it was in the garage 

Derek looked around for a while, checking every single room just in case. The house seemed clean enough, except for the bedroom, but all the lights were still on and the Tv was playing reruns of shows Derek had never heard of. Derek stopped in the bathroom to call Aaron staring at the razor that was on the counter.

"Morgan? Did you find Spencer?" Aaron asked, leaning back in his chair

Derek sighed "he's not here, I think he left Hotch, a bunch of his clothes and books are gone, but there's a razor that's broken on the counter in his bathroom, and one of the blades are missing. Do you think he's going to try to hurt himself?" 

Aaron tapped his fingers on his thigh, feeling so worried but there was nothing he could do "I don't know, I hope not. Alright, you can come back now. If he doesn't show up for work tomorrow then I'll get Garcia to see if he's checked into any hotels or anything" 

Derek nodded even though nobody could see him "alright, I'll be back soon" he said before hanging up. Derek left Spencer's house and drove back to the FBI building, taking the elevator up to the BAU and sitting at his desk again.

Emily looked up "did you find him?" She asked nervously 

Derek shook his head "no, he's not at his house" he said "he's probably at a hotel or something, I'm not sure why though"

Emily bit her lip "you don't think it could be schizophrenia do you?" She asked, worried that maybe it was finally setting in and Spencer was becoming paranoid

Derek shrugged "I wish I knew, It could be though" he said

Nobody noticed Matthew's hands balling into fists while they talked about how they couldn't find Spencer, not liking how Spencer had just left because Spencer was his and he should always be able to find him.

Derek looked over at Matthew "Shaffer, did Reid seem off to you when you were with him?" He asked curiously

Matthew looked up, trying to appear calm "no, I mean, I don't think so anyway, I don't know him too well but he seemed like he was okay"

Derek sighed "well, something has obviously happened to him" he said before pausing and standing up, down a hallway

"Where's he going?" Matthew asked Emily curiously, watching Derek 

Emily shrugged "no clue" she murmured before going back to work, a little bit suspicious of Matthew now since he had been the last one to see Spencer before he started acting strange

Derek walked to Penelope's office and walked inside, shutting the door behind him 

Penelope looked up and smiled "to what do I owe this pleasure?" 

Derek chuckled "I need you to check the security camera's from Reid's house"

Penelope turned to her computer and started pulling up websites "am I looking for anything specific?" She asked

Derek sat next to her "no, just, start from last night until the last time Spencer went home" 

Penelope nodded and started working, looking through all the tapes before getting Derek to come closer "okay, so there's a few strange things that I found" she murmured before pulling up the first clip "okay, so here, it's around five in the morning yesterday, and Matthew is leaving his house right? So we know he wasn't in the house, but then, later when Spencer is in the shower, suddenly the cameras just turn off"

"They turn off?" Derek asked "was there a power outage or something?"

Penelope shook her head "no, and even if there was the cameras would've kept recording, someone turned them off, and it wasn't Spencer"

Derek nodded slowly "when do they come back on?" He asked

Penelope checked again "after he's left for work" she said

Derek sighed "alright, is there anything else strange?"

Penelope nodded "he slept on his couch last night, intentionally" she said

"How do you know he didn't fall asleep watching TV or something?" Derek asked

Penelope showed him the footage from the security camera "he set up a pillow and a blanket, and he doesn't have a TV in his living room, only his bedroom" 

Derek furrowed his eyebrows "and did he go home today after he ran out?" He asked

Penelope nodded "yeah, but he was in a rush, he just packed everything he could into a suitcase before rushing out again. He was gone for five minutes before you got there"

Derek nodded and stood up "thank you P"

Penelope nodded "do you want me to do anything else? I could track the GPS on his car, or see if he's been using any of his bank or credit cards anywhere" she offered 

Derek shook his head "no, we'll do that tomorrow if he doesn't show up for work" he decided "that's what Hotch told me anyway" he said

"Alright, I'm here if you need anything though" Penelope smiled, watching Derek leave before turning back to her computer, hoping that Spencer was okay.

Everyone tried to focus on their work for the rest of the day, but that was hard knowing that their friend was out there possibly suffering from a schizophrenic delusion

\------------

When Spencer woke up the next morning he was immediately on edge, and he spent almost an hour pacing around his room before he decided that he couldn't go in to work. Matthew would be angry with him, and the team would be too suspicious.

Spencer sat down and called Aaron's office instead, knowing there was only one thing he could do now

Aaron answered the phone before looking at who was calling "SSA Aaron Hotchner speaking" he said

Spencer bit his lip "Hotch?" He whispered "I-it's Spencer" 

Aaron immediately say up straighter "Spencer? Where are you?" He asked 

Spencer scratched at the back of his neck "are you alone?" He asked

Aaron furrowed his eyebrows "yes, I'm alone in my office" he told the boy who sounded a little shaken up 

"Do you promise?" Spencer asked, biting his nails slightly

"Yes, I promise Spencer, nobody else can hear us. What is this about Spencer?" Aaron asked

Spencer sighed "I'm quitting" he whispered "I was to quit my job" 

Aaron stayed silent for a while, shocked and a little confused "why? You love your job Spencer... Are you sure you want a transfer?" 

"No! I don't want a transfer I want to leave the FBI completely!" Spencer shouted

"Okay, okay, maybe you should come in though Spencer... We can talk about this" Aaron said, starting to believe Derek's theory about a schizophrenic delusion 

Spencer shook his head even though Aaron couldn't see him "no... I-I can't"

"Spencer.. Even if you quit there are papers that you have to sign, and you have to keep coming to work until the papers get processed" Aaron explained softly

Spencer whimpered slightly "no, no, I want to use my vacation time while They're being processed... I can't come back to the building" he whispered, he was completely terrified of Matthew 

Aaron bit his lip "where are you? Can I come to you with the papers?" He asked

Spencer stayed quiet for a little while, considering it "will you make sure that nobody follows you?" He whispered

Aaron frowned "of course" he said, deciding that it would be better to ask about what Spencer thought was going on once he actually saw the boy.

Spencer quietly told Aaron the address of the hotel he was at before he hung up, sitting quietly on the bed and trying not to use anymore dilaudid, wanting to be able to think straight when Aaron was there so he wouldn't accidentally tell him what had happened.

Aaron got up and opened his office door "Morgan, I need to talk to you" he called out, watching Derek walk up to his office quickly.

Aaron shut the door once Derek was inside "Reid just called me" 

Derek stood up straighter "he did? What did he say?" He asked

Aaron sighed "he told me that he wants to quit, and that he can't come to the FBI building. I think you might be right about his schizophrenia setting in. He kept asking questions like 'are you alone?' Or he was asking me to make sure nobody followed me out of the building when I go to see him"

Derek paused "he told you where he is?" He asked

Aaron nodded "yeah, he's at a hotel, he agreed to let me come so he could sign all the papers he needs to sign about quitting"

Derek bit his lip "Hotch, what if someone is really threatening him or looking for him?" He asked "Garcia told you about what we found on his security cameras right?"

Aaron nodded "yeah, I know, I'm going to try and figure everything out when I see him... But in case he is being tracked I want you and Garcia to watch the security cameras here okay? Make sure nobody tries to follow me out of the building or anything"

Derek nodded "alright" he said "anything you need Hotch"

Aaron walked around his office and got all the papers he would need Spencer to sign before leaving, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. 

Derek went to Penelope's office and sat down beside her, watching the security cameras carefully and only getting up when he saw Matthew stand up and start to walk out

Derek ran out so he would catch him, not sure why but he had a bad feeling about Matthew "Shaffer! Can you come help me with something?" He called out, not wanting it to seem suspicious to anybody 

Matthew clenched his fists slightly but nodded, walking over to Derek even though he knew that Aaron was probably leaving to meet Spencer right now

"What is it?" He asked

Derek led Matthew down a hallway "I just want to ask you a few questions about Spencer, about how he was acting when you were at his house" 

Matthew nodded and say down in one of the chairs in the small room Derek had led him to 

"Did he seem scared to you?" Derek asked

Matthew shrugged "not really, he seemed a little nervous but I figured it was just because he didn't know me too well" 

Derek nodded "did he say anything that really sticks out in your mind?" 

Matthew suppressed a smirk, if Spencer didn't want to play by his rules he would start ruining him in other ways "he said that he feels a little bit awkward working here"

Derek furrowed his eyebrows "did he say why?" He asked

Matthew bit his lip "I don't know if I should say... I told him I'd keep it a secret" 

Derek sighed "c'mon man, he's missing, it could help us"

Matthew nodded "he has a crush on Hotchner" he told Derek "a huge one apparently"

Derek paused, he knew that Spencer liked boys as well as girls, the genius had told him that he loved someone more for their brain and personality than what they had in their pants, but he never would have guessed that Spencer would have a crush on Aaron

"O-okay uh... Anything else?" He asked

Matthew shook his head "no, that's it"

Derek nodded and scurried off, slightly shaken up but he called Aaron and told him anyway

Aaron took a few strange turns here and there just in case anyone was following him, wanting to make sure that if Spencer was in any actual danger he wouldn't be making it worse. After the phone call from Derek he was a little confused, he had never seen any signs from Spencer that suggested he liked him romantically. Although, the more he thought about it the more it made sense, like how Spencer would always blush a little if Aaron smiled at him, or how he was always finding excuses to come to his office to talk to him.

Aaron parked outside of the hotel when he got there and walked inside, going up to the room Spencer said he was in before knocking "Spencer? It's Aaron" he said, so Spencer wouldn't be afraid

Spencer slowly opened the door once he looked through the peephole and made sure it was Aaron, letting the older man in before locking the door again "n-nobody followed you right?" 

Aaron frowned and looked at Spencer, the poor boy was shaking and sweating and he looked like he hadn't had a good sleep in a few days. Spencer was still wearing baggy clothes and his hair was messy, but the thing that really stuck out to Aaron was how the boy wouldn't make eye contact with him.

"Nobody followed me" Aaron promised, taking a step towards Spencer

Spencer flinched slightly and tensed up a little on instinct 

Aaron sighed "what's going on Spencer?" He whispered "what happened?"

Spencer stared at the ground "I can't tell you" he whispered "did you bring those papers? I want to sign them" 

Aaron nodded "I brought them, but I was thinking that we could have a talk first" he said slowly

Spencer shook his head "I-I know what I'm doing Hotch" 

Aaron sat down on a chair and spread out the papers slowly "if you quit, to rejoin the FBI you'll have to go through all the training again, and you might not be placed with the BAU again" 

Spencer nodded and held out his hand for a pen "I know" he whispered 

Aaron handed him a pen "Spencer, if you just told me what's going on—" he stopped talked when he was cut off

"If I told you what was going on I'd be putting myself and my mother in danger" Spencer snapped before signing everything 

Aaron sighed, noticing how Spencer's hand was shaking "are you using dilaudid again Spencer?"

Spencer winced and stepped back once everything had his signature on it "n-no" he lied

Aaron stood up "show me your arms then" 

Spencer shook his head and wrapped his arms around himself "y-you can go now"

Aaron shook his head "Spencer, show me your arms, that's an order" he said sternly, not expecting Spencer to flinch back and start crying. Aaron stepped forward quickly and slowly put a hand on Spencer's hip "I didn't mean to scare you" he whispered

Spencer whimpered and slowly pulled up his sleeves, showing his arms to Aaron and trying to hide his face a little because he was crying.

Aaron didn't feel emotional often, but seeing the way Spencer's arms were cut up and bandaged made him get a little teary eyed. 

Aaron slowly pulled Spencer closer and hugged him gently, picking him up bridal style after a few seconds before sitting on the bed against the headboard, watching Spencer cry in his arms

Aaron stayed quiet, deciding to let Spencer cry all he needed to before he actually tried to understand what was going on. All he knew right now was that he would do whatever it took to help Spencer.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for this to get posted, I got distracted with something I have saved in my drafts right now xx
> 
> Also, this chapter is pretty boring and short, but the next one will be a little more action packed, with more cute Reid/Hotch moments. If you notice any mistakes with my spelling or grammar please tell me and i will fix them, English isn't my first language.

Aaron stayed quiet for twenty minutes, just holding Spencer close until the boy stopped shaking and sobbing so hard 

"Spencer" he whispered "can we talk now?" He asked

Spencer sniffled "about what?" He whispered "th-there's nothing to talk about"

Aaron gently brushed Spencer's hair out of his eyes "something happened Spencer, and you'll only hurt more if you don't tell anyone about it" 

Spencer sniffled and shifted around in Aaron's arms until his own were free, he pulled down his sleeves again "I-I don't want to talk about it" he whispered

Aaron looked around, spotting a notebook on the bedside table "could you write it down for me? Would that be easier?"

Spencer thought about it for a few seconds before nodding slowly "y-yes" 

Aaron reached over and grabbed the notebook, also grabbing a black pen before giving them to Spencer "take your time" he whispered

Spencer opened the book up to a blank page and slowly started writing, having to stop and cry a couple times, and scratch a lot of the words out, but eventually he handed the book back to Aaron

'I was raped' was all that was written on the page

Aaron read the tree words a couple times before setting the book aside and hugging Spencer a little tighter "I'm sorry" he whispered

Spencer whimpered "I-it's not like it's your fault" he murmured, starting to get a headache "I need to uhm.. I need to go to the bathroom" he lied, really just wanting to inject himself with more dilaudid 

Aaron sighed, noticing the way Spencer was twitching and rubbing at his arms "you don't need it Spencer" he whispered "it's not good for you"

"I do need it" Spencer whispered "I need it so badly Aaron, it hurts" 

Aaron frowned "just let me ask you a few questions and then you can have a little okay?" He asked, he wasn't actually planning on giving Spencer any drugs, but he wanted Spencer to cooperate 

"Okay" Spencer whispered

Aaron nodded "was it a man or a woman who raped you?"

Spencer whimpered "a man" he whispered

Aaron rubbed Spencer's side gently "did you know him?"

Spencer let out a small sob "yes" he admitted 

Aaron leaned in a little closer "can you tell me who it was Spencer?"

"No!" Spencer cried loudly "he's going to hurt my mom" 

"Hey, shh, hey, Spencer, it's okay" Aaron whispered "I'll get your mom put into protective custody, okay?" He asked 

Spencer sniffled and nodded "I-I'll tell you once she's safe"

Aaron nodded and grabbed his cell phone, making a quick call before setting his phone aside "they'll take her into protective custody, and then they'll bring her here to the FBI building" 

"No, no they can't take her there he'll hurt her" Spencer whimpered

"Okay, Spencer, I'll tell them to take her somewhere else okay? They won't take her there" Aaron promised, sending a text before looking at Spencer again. "Was it someone we work with?" He whispered 

Spencer nodded and looked down, still crying hard "I-I can still feel his hands on me Hotch" he whispered

Aaron kissed Spencer's forehead without really thinking about it "I know, I wish I could make that feeling go away" he said honestly

Spencer wiped his eyes "k-keep holding me" he whispered 

Aaron nodded and held Spencer tighter "I won't let go" he promised

Spencer nodded, thankful to have someone with him "I want more dilaudid" he whispered "please"

Aaron shook his head "you can't hide from this Spencer" he whispered "the longer you take it the harder it will be to quit again"

Spencer whimpered, feeling like screaming because he knew that. He knew it was stupid and that he should stop, but he wanted to forget. "Please" he repeated

Aaron sighed and watched Spencer "let me ask you a few more questions okay? And then maybe I'll let you have some" he whispered 

Spencer nodded frantically "okay" he said 

Aaron ran his fingers through Spencer's hair "was it Shaffer?" He asked quietly, because he had had his suspicions 

Spencer squeezed his eyes shut and broke into sobs again, which was enough of an answer for Aaron, who called Derek and told him to arrest Matthew before hanging up again and standing up, still holding Spencer close but turning and laying him down, tucking him in under the covers

Spencer started panicking, thinking that Aaron was going to leave him now and trying to grab onto the older man

Aaron shook his head "I'm not leaving Spencer, I'm going to stay with you tonight okay? I'll get Jessica to watch Jack."

Spencer wiped his eyes "really?"

Aaron nodded and took off his tie "as long as it won't make you uncomfortable"

Spencer smiled slightly "I-i want you to stay"

Aaron pulled off his jacket as well before calling Jessica and asking her to keep Jack with her for the night, relived when she agreed. Aaron hung up and set his phone aside before looking at Spencer and getting back into the bed.

Spencer blushed a little, because this was inappropriate, Hotch was his boss and they definitely shouldn't be sharing a bed, but who was going to find out? Spencer doubted that Aaron would tell anyone and risk them getting in trouble.

With that in mind, Spencer moved closer to Aaron, feeling better when he felt a strong arm wrap around him and pull him close

"You're safe" Aaron whispered "when was the last time you had a good sleep?"

Spencer thought "b-before all of this happened.. Since then I keep waking up every hour or so"

Aaron nodded "do you want to try and sleep now?" He asked

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows "it's the middle of the day though... My circadian rhythms will be messed up"

Aaron couldn't help but smile a little "it would be good for you to take a nap Spencer. By the time you wake up we'll be able to go see your mother" 

Spencer thought about it more before nodding slowly, he was extremely tired, and he definitely felt safe with Aaron there, so he figured this would be his best chance of getting a good sleep.

Spencer closed his eyes and relaxed as much as he could, falling asleep after another fifteen minutes, only really calming down when Aaron started carding his fingers through Spencer's hair.

\-------------

Derek shot out of Garcia's office the second he got the call, prepared to beat Matthew to a pulp if he refused to be arrested. Aaron had only told him that Matthew had raped Spencer, no other details, but it was enough to make anyone furious. Obviously everyone thought Spencer was an adult, and they treated him like one, but everyone still wanted to protect him.

Derek ran into the bullpen and looked around, almost growling when he didn't see Matthew.

"Where is Shaffer?" Derek asked Emily

Emily furrowed her eyebrows "what do you mean? You took him to talk more about Reid."

Derek nodded "yeah, and then he came back here, didn't he?"

Emily shook her head "no, he never did. Why? What's wrong?" She asked

Derek didn't answer, he just ran off, checking everywhere for Matthew and eventually finding Garcia, who informed him that Matthew's car was gone as well.

Derek phoned Aaron back, practically fuming 

"He's not here Hotch, he's gone"

\-----------

"Gone? What do you mean he's gone?" Aaron asked, having to stay quiet, so that he didn't wake up Spencer

"I mean he's not in the building Hotch, his car isn't here" Derek replied

Aaron rubbed a hand over his face, thinking of what to do and pulling Spencer closer

"Call the local police, get them to get out roadblocks, he wouldn't have gotten far. You and Emily go search his house or anywhere else he could be. I have to stay with Reid" Aaron told Derek

Derek nodded "alright, and what do we do if we can't find him?"

"We'll figure that out of it happens" Aaron said "get going, or you could miss him at his home" 

\---------

Derek hung up and got Emily, leading her down to the SUV and turning on the lights, speeding out of the parking garage.

Emily looked over at Derek "where are we going? Is this about Reid?"

"Shaffer raped him" he growled, gripping onto the steering wheel as he drove, weaving through all of the cars on the road

Emily paused "what?" She asked, feeling a mix of anger but also a little emotional because Spencer was her friend.

Derek didn't say anything, focused on getting to Shaffer's house and finding him.

Emily sat up straighter "do you think he'll be at his house?" She asked, worried that Matthew had planned for this

Derek shrugged slightly "God I hope so" he muttered, pulling up to Shaffer's house and rushing inside with his gun drawn, a little nervous because the front door had been open. 

Emily rushed in behind him, going to a different room "clear!" She shouted, continuing to search until it was obvious that Matthew wasn't there. 

Derek found Emily and sighed "where else would he go?" He asked, looking around "start searching for anything that suggests he has a cabin, or family nearby"

\---------

Matthew had prepared for this.

He hadn't expected to be caught so easily, but he had prepared for it just in case.

Once Matthew had managed to sneak out of the building, he immediately went home, only having to grab the suitcase by the door before leaving again, driving off and being careful to avoid any place where they might have a roadblock. 

Matthew was furious, already planning ways to get back at Spencer for ratting him out. He called the hospital where Spencer's mother was first, only angrier when they told him that she wasn't there, not believing that she was on a supervised trip. 

Matthew continued to drive, throwing his actual cell phone out the window because he had a few prepaid ones so he wouldn't be tracked.

This wasn't the first time Matthew had done this, he had done the same thing to a boy at the police station he used to work at. That had ended badly, Matthew had shot the boy when he thought he was going to tell someone, leaving him in the street for someone to find. After that, nobody questioned him leaving, they all just thought that he missed his partner and he needed to get away, but the truth was that there was just no other younger boys at the police station.

Matthew drove for a long time, until it was starting to get dark, and even when he got tired he didn't risk going to a motel. Instead, he pulled into a camping site and parked, falling asleep in his car. He knew the first thing he had to do the next morning was ditch his car and find a new one, but right now he didn't care or feel worried.

\-----------

Spencer woke up a few hours later and started freaking out immediately when he felt arms around him, trying to get away and crying "no! No!" 

Aaron turned Spencer to face him quickly, so that he would see who it was 

"It's just me Spencer, it's Aaron, you're safe, remember?" He said calmly

Spencer stopped trying to get away and stared up at Aaron, still crying slightly 

"I-I'm sorry" he whispered

Aaron shook his head "don't be sorry, none of this is your fault"

Spencer nodded slightly, because he knew that Aaron was right. Spencer was shaking now, not from fear, but from not having dilaudid in a while.

"I need to use the bathroom" he whispered

Aaron nodded and started to stand up "alright"

"Where are you going?" Spencer asked, watching Aaron and reaching out to grab onto him

Aaron kept a hand on Spencer's hip "I'm taking you to the bathroom" he said simply 

"I can get there myself" Spencer said, getting out of bed

"I'm not leaving you alone Spencer, I won't risk having you hurt yourself or use dilaudid again" Aaron said, standing up and leading Spencer to the bathroom "I won't look" he promised, keeping his back to Spencer

The younger boy sighed and waited a few seconds before actually deciding to go so he would wet himself later. Spencer did his business before flushing and doing up his pants again, quickly washing his hands and not looking at Aaron.

"Done?" Aaron asked, not turning around just in case

Spencer stepped in front of Aaron "done" he murmured "is my mother here yet? Can we go see her?"

Aaron nodded "sure" he said "but you have to stay with me at all times okay?"

Spencer nodded slightly "I'm not a kid y'know, I can handle myself"

Aaron nodded and stepped a little closer to Spencer "I never said you couldn't, but I want to be there just as backup"

Spencer sighed quietly "okay" he murmured, scratching the back of his neck "c-can I have a little bit of dilaudid? Just so I seem normal for my mom? And then I'll quit I swear" 

Aaron shook his head "no, no excuses Spencer, you need to quit now" he whispered 

"Can I buy a pack of cigarettes then? They helped me when I was going through withdrawal last time, and they are much easier to quit" Spencer reasoned

Aaron sighed "fine" he murmured, walking out of the bathroom with Spencer

Spencer fixed his hair before pulling on his shoes an a jacket, staying close to Aaron as they got into the elevator and then went to the parking lot. Spencer got into the SUV and did up his seat belt before looking over at Aaron "thank you for staying with me" he murmured, even though he knew he had thanked him a lot already

Aaron smiled and starting driving towards a convenience store "I want you to feel safe Spencer, you don't have to thank me"

Spencer blushes slightly and nodded "do you think that being gay is bad?" He asked suddenly, not looking up

Aaron glanced over at Spencer, a little stunned "uhm.. No, no I don't think so, I think that everyone can love whoever they want. Why? Are you gay?" He asked gently

Spencer didn't respond, feeling a little stupid for asking. But he had felt guilty, he felt like this was a punishment for being gay. He had never really believed in God, but he couldn't help but feel that maybe this was a sign that being gay was bad. He just wanted someone else's opinion.

Spencer got out of the SUV quickly when they got to the convenience store, asking Aaron if he wanted anything before shutting the door and going inside.

Aaron could see Spencer in the store through the big glass windows, so he felt no need to go into the store, he was also thinking over Spencer's question, wondering if the younger boy really was gay. Not that he would mind, he had just never suspected it.

Spencer got in line and pulled out his wallet, waiting his turn before asking for a pack of cigarettes, buying them as well as a pack of gum and a lighter before trying to leave, pausing when he felt someone tap his shoulder.

Spencer turned around, a little tense but he relaxed when he saw it was just a someone who worked there handing him his keys that had fallen out of his pocket.

Spencer took them before rushing out to Aaron's SUV

"Would you like me to smoke while we're here or would you prefer for me to smoke while we drive? Because—" Spencer stopped when he saw Aaron staring down his his phone reading something "what's that?"

Aaron looked up "it's an email, I think it's a code or something though" he murmured, handing the phone to Spencer "does it mean anything to you?"

Spencer read the code a few times, going through different possibilities but after a couple minutes he figured out what it said and blushed "it's from Matthew" he murmured

Aaron looked at it again "what does it say?" He asked

Spencer shook his head "doesn't matter" he muttered

"Spencer, tell me what it says" Aaron said sternly

Spencer shifted on his feet "it's not important though... It's embarrassing" he whispered

Aaron couldn't help but smile a little "I won't make fun of you, if that's what you're worried about" he said "and, if you tell me what it says, and I decide that you're right and it has nothing to do with finding Shaffer, I won't have to tell anyone else what it says"

Spencer nodded slightly and looked around, sitting in the passenger seat and not looking at Aaron

"I have a crush on you" he muttered, the email went into a lot more detail, but that summed it up enough, and he didn't really feel like telling Aaron how long he had been thinking about him that way.

"wh-what?" Aaron asked, surprised even though he knew he shouldn't be,they had always been a little too close

"I love you!" Spencer practically shouted, his eyes widening once he did and he backed away from the SUV quickly, avoiding eye contact and going closer to the building, quickly taking out a cigarette and lighting it, wanting to hit himself for saying that he loved Aaron. He didn't want to lose the older man, especially not right now.


	5. NOT A CHAPTER

Sadly this fic may go unfinished, as I've lost inspiration for it

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always nice :)


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